April

So we’ve reached the end of another challenge.  Weight-wise, I report no loss, but that doesn’t mean I haven’t become stronger or grown.  Because I have.

We were rethinking our shrink after all.

So, rethinking over it all, I look and see that before this challenge I had never run more than 3 miles.  I never wanted to run more than 3 miles.  I laughed at my friend that has tried for 2 years now to get me to join TNT with her.  (Not because I didn’t want to raise money or a amazing cause because I HATE TO RUN.)

Now, here I sit in training for a half marathon with Virtual Team In Training with a bunch of my fellow sisters (and new dude!) and I’m going to run 13.1 miles.  I’ve told some friends and family that there is no part of my body that ones to run 13.1 miles, but every part of my heart yearns to do this.  To prove that I can, to raise money for a good cause, and to have this amazing experience with my sisters.

By doing this, by committing do to this, I will shrink.  I know I will.  And if that’s not getting stronger or growing, I don’t know what is.

Did you know that last year, I got all the way down to 142.6 lbs?  Did you also know that currently, I’m sitting at 150lbs.  What happened, April?  Well, let me tell you.  I took a break.  I spent a bit of time annoyed with myself for letting myself actually GAIN what took me so hard and forever to lose.  How could I be a role model to others, if I let myself GAIN weight?  What was I doing here writing for this site if I couldn’t get a handle on what could very quickly become out of control?

Why am I telling you this?  I’m telling you this because I’m human.  I needed a break, and my break lasted longer than it should have.  And I got down on myself because I’m human.  I questioned my abilities to write and to be a positive influence because I still have insecurities about who I am, and how far I’ve come and who I want to become as a result of this weight loss journey.  I have insecurities because I’m human.

As are you.

Look, we’re rethinking our shrink here.  It is time that we realize that this journey isn’t about weight loss.  This journey is about making healthy choices so we can live healthier lives and set an example for those around us.  Just by being here, it is possible for every last one of us to be a inspiration to someone else so that THEY may live a healthier life.  Weight loss is just a benefit of this journey, and there are going to be times when you have a bad week.  And yes, you may get down about it, but instead of hanging onto that let down, learn from it and use it.  The destination (your goal weight) isn’t what matters here, it’s the JOURNEY that matters.  The “what you learn” and “how you get there”…they are what’s important.

So, I’m asking you to take a deep look within yourselves.  ARE you rethinking your shrink?  Are you focused on your journey?  Are you taking the time to learn how to enjoy the journey.  If not, then I ask you, challenge you, dare you, whatever it takes to get you to refocus yourself.  Find a sister(or brother).  There are plenty of us that will give you a swift kick in the ass.  MAKE some time for yourself to just sit an BE…figure out what you need to do.  I don’t care how you do it, just do it, refocus and move on.  Because I promise you that if you focus on the journey, if you rethink your shrink, the shrink WILL happen.  I promise you.  And if you doubt me, just tell me, I’ll find you, and give you a good pop, mkay?

Now, you may carry on.

This morning, I stepped on the scales looked down, did a double take, stepped off the scales, stepped back onto the scales, looked down again.

Three pounds gained.  Three pounds.

My initial thoughts were WTF.  Pre-coffee, this plain just pissed me off.  I ran twice, beat my 3 mile barrier, worked out two other times, ate better than I have in a while and gained three pounds?  Screw this.

Then, I thought again.  I went out to lunch yesterday.  Yes, I got a salmon salad and soup.  Yes, I told them to hold the bacon (after visiting Christy last November, bacon is just not appetizing to me.  Can’t imagine WHY.), but I didn’t tell them to hold the cheese.  Or the corn.  I did have a few pieces of that yummy bread, too. Well, I got tomato soup, oh wait, it was tomato CHEDDAR.  DAMN.

My body holds onto water weight like nobody’s business, so just that “little bit” of cheese was enough for my scale to show that big of a difference.

My point is that even when you think you MAY have had a great week, I’ll bet there is something that has affected your weigh-in.  I’ll bet that if you think about it hard enough, you’ll find some place in your routine where you are “off”.  It could be your food or maybe your work out has become too routine for your body, or you could be stressed to the max (you do know that stress can cause you to hold onto weight, right?)

All that said, that three pound gain was enough to foul my mood for quite a while.  A few people tried to reach out, I pushed back.  All I could see for hours was that three pound gain.  Even though I knew where I had gone wrong and I know how to fix it, all I saw in my head was +3.  Luckily for all you fine people, someone got an LOL out of me and my bad mood was ruined.

And you know, all of those who were trying to tell me that I was real, I was human, we’re not perfect, and to move on were right.

It’s okay to be bummed about a gain, it’s okay to brood about it for a while, but to you can’t hang onto it.  And if you feel like it’s holding onto you (like I was today), then find a friend, a sister, SOMEONE who will drag you back out of it, figure out where you went wrong, and fix it.

That’s what I’m going to do.

First, let’s catch up…

Holy crap, I cannot believe how time has flown by.  In my last post, I mentioned I was running in a 5K.  My original 5K time in November was 36:20 (0r :30), and I walked the hills.  THIS time, I ran it in 34:19 and ran every freaking second including the hills.  Christmas crept up and and smacked me right in the face.  I almost wasn’t ready for it.  But now that it’s over, and I have some breathing room, I can finally get back to business.

Today’s business…

First, let me just say how much I LOVE Christie’s post today!  Girl, you’re my hero!!  Next, since I didn’t confess yesterday, I’ll confess today.  I was pretty bad over the holidays.  See, I’ve been struggling just a bit.  I’ve always said that I don’t deny myself anything, and I don’t.  I have enough discipline to not go too crazy, but here’s the thing, usually when I slack, I work out enough that I don’t gain.

I know what you’re saying…that’s great, right?  Well yeah, but I’ve worked out once in three weeks.  ONCE.  Now, I could give you the “I was super busy” excuse, which was true, I was super busy, but the truth is, if I had really wanted to, I would have found the time to work out.  But the truth is, and I’m accountable enough to admit that I didn’t want to.  I could say that after two years of being completely dedicated to working out, my body needed a break and maybe it did, but the truth of the matter is, I just didn’t want to.

My head wasn’t in the game.

And now my body is missing working out.  When my body misses it, my mind misses it and when my mind misses it, it’s time to get my head back into the game.

So, I didn’t maintain.  Not one bit.  I’m I happy about it?  Of course not, but I’m not going to whine or complain or be mad at myself.  I’m going to pick myself up and get back to it.  I’m “Rethinking my Shrink”.  Are you with me?

Starting weight: 150 (I know, I know!)

Goal for challenge: 5 lbs.