April

Did you know that last year, I got all the way down to 142.6 lbs?  Did you also know that currently, I’m sitting at 150lbs.  What happened, April?  Well, let me tell you.  I took a break.  I spent a bit of time annoyed with myself for letting myself actually GAIN what took me so hard and forever to lose.  How could I be a role model to others, if I let myself GAIN weight?  What was I doing here writing for this site if I couldn’t get a handle on what could very quickly become out of control?

Why am I telling you this?  I’m telling you this because I’m human.  I needed a break, and my break lasted longer than it should have.  And I got down on myself because I’m human.  I questioned my abilities to write and to be a positive influence because I still have insecurities about who I am, and how far I’ve come and who I want to become as a result of this weight loss journey.  I have insecurities because I’m human.

As are you.

Look, we’re rethinking our shrink here.  It is time that we realize that this journey isn’t about weight loss.  This journey is about making healthy choices so we can live healthier lives and set an example for those around us.  Just by being here, it is possible for every last one of us to be a inspiration to someone else so that THEY may live a healthier life.  Weight loss is just a benefit of this journey, and there are going to be times when you have a bad week.  And yes, you may get down about it, but instead of hanging onto that let down, learn from it and use it.  The destination (your goal weight) isn’t what matters here, it’s the JOURNEY that matters.  The “what you learn” and “how you get there”…they are what’s important.

So, I’m asking you to take a deep look within yourselves.  ARE you rethinking your shrink?  Are you focused on your journey?  Are you taking the time to learn how to enjoy the journey.  If not, then I ask you, challenge you, dare you, whatever it takes to get you to refocus yourself.  Find a sister(or brother).  There are plenty of us that will give you a swift kick in the ass.  MAKE some time for yourself to just sit an BE…figure out what you need to do.  I don’t care how you do it, just do it, refocus and move on.  Because I promise you that if you focus on the journey, if you rethink your shrink, the shrink WILL happen.  I promise you.  And if you doubt me, just tell me, I’ll find you, and give you a good pop, mkay?

Now, you may carry on.

This morning, I stepped on the scales looked down, did a double take, stepped off the scales, stepped back onto the scales, looked down again.

Three pounds gained.  Three pounds.

My initial thoughts were WTF.  Pre-coffee, this plain just pissed me off.  I ran twice, beat my 3 mile barrier, worked out two other times, ate better than I have in a while and gained three pounds?  Screw this.

Then, I thought again.  I went out to lunch yesterday.  Yes, I got a salmon salad and soup.  Yes, I told them to hold the bacon (after visiting Christy last November, bacon is just not appetizing to me.  Can’t imagine WHY.), but I didn’t tell them to hold the cheese.  Or the corn.  I did have a few pieces of that yummy bread, too. Well, I got tomato soup, oh wait, it was tomato CHEDDAR.  DAMN.

My body holds onto water weight like nobody’s business, so just that “little bit” of cheese was enough for my scale to show that big of a difference.

My point is that even when you think you MAY have had a great week, I’ll bet there is something that has affected your weigh-in.  I’ll bet that if you think about it hard enough, you’ll find some place in your routine where you are “off”.  It could be your food or maybe your work out has become too routine for your body, or you could be stressed to the max (you do know that stress can cause you to hold onto weight, right?)

All that said, that three pound gain was enough to foul my mood for quite a while.  A few people tried to reach out, I pushed back.  All I could see for hours was that three pound gain.  Even though I knew where I had gone wrong and I know how to fix it, all I saw in my head was +3.  Luckily for all you fine people, someone got an LOL out of me and my bad mood was ruined.

And you know, all of those who were trying to tell me that I was real, I was human, we’re not perfect, and to move on were right.

It’s okay to be bummed about a gain, it’s okay to brood about it for a while, but to you can’t hang onto it.  And if you feel like it’s holding onto you (like I was today), then find a friend, a sister, SOMEONE who will drag you back out of it, figure out where you went wrong, and fix it.

That’s what I’m going to do.

As you all know, I hate to run running and I aren’t exactly the best of friends.  I was forced challenged to run a half marathon with a lot of you super fun people.  This is something I want to do, not only to meet some of you, but also to raise money for a really good cause!  (Hey, wanna go here or here to help us get there?! THANKS!)

Knowing that I have such a hard time with running, I decided to give  myself a head start on training.  A few weeks before Christmas, I started running on the treadmill at the gym.  For whatever reason, I cannot mentally get past 3 miles.  I know physically I can do it.  I can now run 3 miles and not be too winded or sweaty.  But once I hit that 3 mile mark, my mind shuts down completely.

I have even told myself “today, I’m going to run 4 miles.  I’m going to do it” and then get on the treadmill, hit three miles and I’m done.

Today, Brooke and I were chatting over email.  At one point, I told her, “today I’m going 4 miles.”  I thought that maybe by telling her this instead of just myself, my mind would commit to running 4 miles, but I still had my doubts.

Then Brooke says, “you have to do 4 miles today. cause that’s how much i’m doing. and you don’t want me to show you up do you?”

Everything about that screamed CHALLENGE.  I heart a good challenge, so here we go:

Mile 1: Mentally mile 1 is a tough one.  Remember, I’d rather be playing Guitar Hero doing a work out DVD, so mile 1 is not my friend.  Physically mile 1 is a piece of cake and is beginning to pass more quickly.

Mile 2: Nowadays, my brain begins to say “screw it” during this mile.  It has accept the fact they we’re going to do this and takes the “let’s get it over with” attitude.  This mile passes quickly and physically is no just as easy as mile 1.

Mile 3: Here is where my brain is seeing the finish line.  It’s telling my body, we’re almost done, just one short mile and we’re done for the day.  Physically it’s more challenging, but it’s doable.

Today, I’m watching the treadmill as it nears the end of the third mile.  My brain is happy because we’re almost done…oh, no, will I stop again today?  Remember, I’ve been issued a challenge.  2.98, 2.99, 3.0, and I keep running.  I slowed my pace a bit so that I wouldn’t crap out.   My mind is screaming, “what the HELL are you doing?” My body isn’t that happy with me either.  I’m testing it’s limits right now.  I’ve never run this far in my life. I’ve never run this long in my life.  3.5…I pick up the pace because I figure the faster I run, the more quickly this will be over.  I watch the treadmill count the distance.  My body is drenched with sweat.  3.75…I REALLY want to stop now, can I stop now?  Please?  But you’re almost there.  Come ON.  3.9 …let’s finish this; bump the speed up to 6.0.  4.0…DONE.

I ran 4 miles in 44 minutes.  I broke the 3 mile barrier.  I’m sore, going to be more sore tomorrow, my brain is tired, and I feel AMAZING.

Now. Only nine more miles to train for.

When I first began my weight loss journey, I thought, if I could just lose this weight, I’ll be happy.  Being thin and fit and healthy will make me happy.  Looking hawt on the outside will make me happy.

What I didn’t realize then, that I know now is that I wasn’t unhappy because I was overweight.  I was overweight because I was unhappy.

I’m not exactly sure when unhappiness set in.  My best guess is that a variety of things over the course of my 20’s happened which weighed on me causing me to become lazy.  Lazy caused me to slowly gain weight.  With each 5-10 lbs that I gained, I would say, “oh no worries…I can lose that at any time.”  Only I didn’t.  Next thing you know, I was 76 lbs overweight.

While working to fix my outside, I came to the realization just how unhappy I was.  I needed to figure out why I was unhappy and then I needed to work to fix this.  I knew that if I didn’t, I was headed down a very dark path.

My rock bottom didn’t come at 206 lbs.  My rock bottom came at about 160 lbs.

My rock bottom was realizing and accepting that I didn’t love myself.  In fact I really kind of hated the adult I had become.  I hated the fact that I had no confidence in myself.  I hated the fact that I seemed to fail at most of the relationships, whether it be romantic or just friendships, I had ever had.  I hated that I had not found my place on this earth.  I hated that I didn’t trust myself with my happiness.

And there was my rock bottom.  I’m not sure when I lost trust in myself, but at some point along the way, I did.

If you’ve ever lost trust in anything, you know that trust is something that has to be slowly re-built.  I started rebuilding that trust with trusting myself with my weight loss.  I knew that was something I was good at, and I loved it.  I loved the new body that I was building.

Building on that, I slowly began to trust myself with more and more.

Today, I am happy.  I won’t lie…happiness is something I will probably always struggle with, but the difference between now and then is that I have surrounded myself with people that I know will pick me up if I fall.  That will pull me out of the darkness and back into the light.  Because I do love the light.

So, I guess I should get back to weight loss, eh?  What didn’t work for me in 2009?  Not working out didn’t work for me.  I found out that in order to maintain and continue to lose weight, I HAVE TO WORK OUT.  Don’t get me wrong, I needed a break because after two years solid of working out, I was ready to lose my work out mind.

What did work?  Having routine.  This has and forever will work for me.  I’m a creature of habit and love my routines.  Which with being forced training for this half marathon thing will give me the best of routines, no?

So, I guess that’s it…oh, that’s right…before and after pics…okay, okay…

Here ya go:

Pre-weight loss journey.  Yes, that’s an elephant in the back ground.  I like animals. ;o)

I realize I’m a sweaty hot mess in this one, but I had just hiked a mountain!  Something I could have never done in the previous picture.

So, do I get an “A”? ;o)

I weighed in this morning, and I’m exactly the same as I was last week.

Now, I COULD be mad at myself.  I could be stomping the floors at the fact that I didn’t lose weight this week.

But I’m Rethinking My Shrink here, so when I “re”think about it, I know that all I did was enough to hold steady.  I drank dark beers instead of light beers, I had treats that I normally didn’t have, and I did just enough so that I didn’t gain.

If I’m rethinking my shrink, I know that I made that choice for this week.  There is no one to blame, not even myself because this was my plan for the week.

If I’m rethinking my shrink, I’m okay with that choice that I made, but I know that it’s not a choice I need to make a habit because I do have a goal I AM going to reach this year.

If I’m rethinking my shrink, I know that this week, I’m making healthier choices because that’s what I WANT to do.

If I’m rethinking my shrink, I love myself because the mindset I’ve taken this challenge is that every day is a new day and I’m going to make good and bad choices throughout my life and learning to be okay with my choices and learning from them is part of growing while on this journey.

Yeah, I’m rethinking my shrink…are you?

First, let’s catch up…

Holy crap, I cannot believe how time has flown by.  In my last post, I mentioned I was running in a 5K.  My original 5K time in November was 36:20 (0r :30), and I walked the hills.  THIS time, I ran it in 34:19 and ran every freaking second including the hills.  Christmas crept up and and smacked me right in the face.  I almost wasn’t ready for it.  But now that it’s over, and I have some breathing room, I can finally get back to business.

Today’s business…

First, let me just say how much I LOVE Christie’s post today!  Girl, you’re my hero!!  Next, since I didn’t confess yesterday, I’ll confess today.  I was pretty bad over the holidays.  See, I’ve been struggling just a bit.  I’ve always said that I don’t deny myself anything, and I don’t.  I have enough discipline to not go too crazy, but here’s the thing, usually when I slack, I work out enough that I don’t gain.

I know what you’re saying…that’s great, right?  Well yeah, but I’ve worked out once in three weeks.  ONCE.  Now, I could give you the “I was super busy” excuse, which was true, I was super busy, but the truth is, if I had really wanted to, I would have found the time to work out.  But the truth is, and I’m accountable enough to admit that I didn’t want to.  I could say that after two years of being completely dedicated to working out, my body needed a break and maybe it did, but the truth of the matter is, I just didn’t want to.

My head wasn’t in the game.

And now my body is missing working out.  When my body misses it, my mind misses it and when my mind misses it, it’s time to get my head back into the game.

So, I didn’t maintain.  Not one bit.  I’m I happy about it?  Of course not, but I’m not going to whine or complain or be mad at myself.  I’m going to pick myself up and get back to it.  I’m “Rethinking my Shrink”.  Are you with me?

Starting weight: 150 (I know, I know!)

Goal for challenge: 5 lbs.

Today’s weigh-in day, and on the weigh-in side of things, I have nothing new to report.  I’m holding steady at 147, which is not great, but not bad either.

Today, I’m going to focus on my miles.  As of today, I got in 11 miles in this week, which for me is HUGE.  If you will recall, I Hate to Run.  But I am running.

It’s been cold and rainy and windy and I don’t get off from work until dusk, so I haven’t been running outside.

My company provides us with a tiny little gym. I used to go all the time.  Then, January of 2008 happened.  Does everyone know what happens every January?  EVERYONE makes a resolution to lose weight.  Don’t get me wrong, I think that’s great (I just wish people would STICK WITH IT), but being the creature who needs her schedule just so every day, having to wait for 45 mins for a machine just made me angry.  So, I turned to work out DVDs, and that got the job done.

But now, because someone thought it would be a good idea to force me challenge me to start running, I’m back in the gym.  And I’m on the stupid wonderful treadmill.  Okay, no.  I can’t lie there.  I hate the treadmill, that first mile freaking sucks my ass. (And don’t you pretend like that first mile doesn’t, cause it does.  So there.)  The second mile is okay.  By that time my brain has given up hope that I’m going to stop so that when I reach the third mile, I just go.  But once I hit that mile 3 mark, my brain flat out refuses to do more.  (I have news for my brain, we’re running four miles next week.  Don’t tell it, mkay?  Let’s surprise it.)

So, anyway…at work, we have a new fitness manager.  The last fitness manager we had, I was SO not impressed.  She made me so annoyed that I couldn’t even look at her.  And I admit, when my cubemate said, “Hey, April! Did you hear we had a new fitness manager,” I was a little leary at first, but guys, I love this chick!

She and I were chatting today and I told her about my 5K time yesterday. (Hey, did you hear? I beat my last time by 15 seconds!)  And she asked me if I was running the 5K race Roanoke is having on Saturday.  I had thought about it, but Saturday is SO busy for me that I just wasn’t sure that I could work it in.  Then she says:

“It starts at 9, you’d be back in your car by 10.  And I’ll run it with you!”

Does that not sound like something I would say?!  Seriously.  How can I not love it?

So, on Saturday, I’m going to be running the Jingle Bell Run to benefit the Arthritis Foundation.  Anyone else want to join me?!  Do I have to dare you?

Okay, folks…more than three times now, I’ve witnessed something at the gym that makes me absolutely furious.  Well, maybe not furious, but I do find myself struggling not to say something.

Hold on…let me back up.

Last week, I stepped foot into our gym at work for this first time in way over a year.  If you know me at all, you know that I got to a point when I got really fed up with waiting for machines at our tiny little gym, so I quit going and started working out on my own at home.

But now, you folks are dragging me kicking and screaming have talked me into joining you on the VTNT team and running a half marathon. (Ya’ll know me and running are not friends, right?)  By the time I get off of work, it’s dusk, and now it’s getting cold, and I don’t have the right work out to run in the cold, so for now, I’m hitting the gym to get some runs in.

So, onto my rant.  There’s this guy at the gym.  (Do NOT get any ideas.  He’s a jerk.  And that’s putting it nicely.)  But, he is at the gym most days “working out”.  Now I put those two words into quotations because here is what he does:

Usually, when I walk into the gym, he’s on the ball doing crunches while facing the mirror. (You know, so he can make sure he looks good while doing said crunches.)  Then he moves to the weight machines.  He does a set, sits for 5 minutes, checks his phone, wipes his forehead, takes a drink of water, looks up at the TV, does another set, then repeats his “rest time”.  The thing is, not once has he broken a sweat.  And, if I’m being completely honest, he could stand to lose some weight.  But he doesn’t lose weight because what he’s doing isn’t working out!  And I’ll bet you money that he’s wondered why he doesn’t lose weight.

People like this kind of make me angry, and I see this all the time whenever I go to the gym.  It’s like people treat it as social hour.  This is just something I don’t understand.  If I want to socialize, I’ll go out with friends for dinner and drinks or something.  I certainly don’t go to the gym to socialize.  I go to get my work out done because it’s really the last place I want to be “hanging out”.  When I go to the gym, I get on the machine and I go all out.  THE.WHOLE.TIME.  By the time I’m done I haven’t stopped the entire time, and I’m soaked with sweat.

I realize that some people just don’t get it or they think they get it, but they really don’t.  But I would seriously LOVE to just say, “hey, how about you actually WORK OUT for once…just for kicks?”  Ya know?

Okay, I’m done.  You may carry on.

I didn’t post last week because last week was crazy, and Wednesday I was running with my mom trying to get things ready to go to my grandparents for Thanksgiving.  But I will tell you this.  I was up.  Quite a bit.  Here’s why:

I didn’t work out and I ate like crap.  The End.

This week, I’m happy to say that I’m back down to where I was two weeks ago. 147 lbs. Which is really still up overall, but I’m working on it.

That’s right, folks, I lost during the Thanksgiving week!  And that was with that evil Aunt Flo looming.  Here’s why:

I got plenty of exercise and while I had a few treats, I ate healthy.

Also, Sunday, Monday, and Tuesday I ran a total of 6 miles, which I know isn’t great, but it’s a start.  I shaved 20-30 seconds off my 5K time from when I visited Christy in Texas, so I was super excited about that!  And for now, I’m planning on running on the weekends outside, then Monday and Tuesday in the gym after work.

So, I guess that’s it until next week!

Are you ready for it?  Are you sure?  Here we go:

1.  As if Thanksgiving wasn’t a bad enough day for food, AF showed up on Wednesday.

2. I ate.  A lot.

3. I had two huge servings of potato salad (yes, we have potato salad at Thanksgiving.  My granny’s is the best.  No lie.), a huge slice of carrot cake, and a huge slice of pumpkin pie.  And some other stuff.

4.  Then a few hours later, I had more potato salad.

5.  I helped my mom finish off the carrot cake yesterday.  (Don’t get too excited, there wasn’t too much left.)

6.  I also ran two miles yesterday.

7.  And I ran 5K today.

8.  I even shaved some time off my 5K.

9.  Don’t get too excited.  I still hate to run.

10.  But I think I’m going to run tomorrow too.

Bonus (random): I found out a long time ago, before digital cameras that they WILL develop pictures of a naked butt.  How do I know this?  I was being a smart ass teenager and mooned my mom.  Just as I dropped my pants, I heard the snap of the camera.  I’ve never mooned anyone since.  The End.

Your turn!